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Alicia Fine-McCullough was a guest panelist at an educational seminar in Boston on October 28, 2011. The topic of the seminar was research advances and treatment innovations in child psychiatry, autism and adult ADHD.
The seminar was conducted by psychiatrists and psychologists of the Clinical and Research Program in Pediatric Psychopharmacology and Adult ADHD, a program of the Massachusetts General Hospital Department of Psychiatry. Through compassionate care and scientific research, the program’s doctors – directed by the renowned child psychiatrist Joseph Biederman, MD – improve the diagnosis, treatment and quality of life for children and teens with depression, bipolar disorder and anxiety, as well as children, teens and adults with ADHD and autism.
Alicia was the only young person at the seminar. She handled herself with poise, and spoke passionately and articulately about growing up with learning and mood issues. She concluded her presentation by reading aloud an original poem. The adults in the audience were touched by her presentation, which shined a light on what it’s like to be a young person with learning and emotional differences.
Alicia wanted to share her paper with you. The following is her very real testimony!
My name is Alicia and I’m 14 years old in the 8th grade.This is my story. I hope it will be useful for you. Between kindergarten and first grade at camp, I noticed some signs that awoke my curiosity .I was hyper, always running away, thinking people were chasing me, like a never-ending game of tag! I was impulsive, too, blurting out words before thinking! I would always hang upside down until all the blood rushed to my head. I remember a kid asking me: “Why are you always hyper, and why don’t you want play with us?” It wasn’t that I didn’t want to play with them, it was just that I couldn’t sit still or keep tract of my 16-lane, highway mind.
Meanwhile, I had always loved nightly reading, but in first grade I just couldn’t sound out the words. I was always thinking:
“What do those squiggly lines mean?” Ashamed of myself, I started to avoid reading.Between my difficulty with sight words and disorganization, one day, my teacher took my backpack and threw it out the window. Yikes! My Mom went up to bat and advocated for a full evaluation, finding a special school for kids with learning differences called the Windward School. This school fit with my learning issues and I can now decode up to 11th grade reading level, having a pretty good vocabulary range, too.
But, life for me has been complicated because I have a lot of anxiety and go from feeling low about myself, from slow to racing thoughts, and from silly to angry. The stimulants like Ritalin, that once had helped me, sadly, began to make me sick, interrupting my sleep and rippling my moods, up and down throughout the day.
Luckily, in 2006, my Mom saw what was happening and found Dr. Biederman. My life changed because he could see all the pieces of the puzzle that are me: ALICIA. Now, I take medicine that helps with my moods, worries and attention. I still have some blips of dark fears, sadness to giddiness, and sometimes, get too lost in my head.
What is good treatment for a kid who has moods, worries often, and learns differently: what helps a mind that jams up, slows down, races and skids?
Good treatment is a doctor who believes and stands up for what’s right for his patients,who is caring and gets to the bottom of my complications; understands kids, the medicines, treatments and schooling that will give us a chance to grow. I trust my doctor because he listens and I don’t feel pushed around. He laughs and he is not scary or stern. I also have a really bright, local cognitive-behavioral therapist, Dr. Newman, who is super-easy to talk to and teaches me strategies to cope, easing my worries, so I don’t have to hide. When I am overwhelmed, she accepts me for where I am. I need to vent my feelings in treatment, give my side of a story, which relieves my stress and puts all my kvetching to good use. My doctors know kids are different from adults; this is very important because I've had doctors who don't really understand kids and even get angry and that hurts. Now, I know my doctors like me and I like them! Also, I finally figured out that big classes and public school just aren't for me. Luckily, we found a school that addresses my learning needs and goes to 12th grade; it’s called the Vincent Smith School in Port Washington, NY. I love the teachers and the head of the school because they help me be a better me and believe in my efforts to get there. They do not judge my struggle with mood shifts and are sensitive to how moods affect my life and learning.
Here are a few pearls of wisdom:
FOR KIDS:
Never give up or lose hope. Do not hide! And learn how to self-advocate. It's ok to be different. Try to connect, even when you are fed up or feeling blue. Find the right doctor and school!
FOR ADULTS:
Do not ignore your kids! Embrace their differences! We are UNIQUE!! Make sure your kids can talk freely. If they have to watch every word, they won’t trust.Also, kids look up to you; so, if you act judgmental, they’ll take in your critical tone. They are watching you, to see how big is your soul. So please, listen, be curious and care.
Here's a poem that has some of my feelings about my experience and treatment:
Keep close, your dream come true
Don’t let your mind run like a zoo
Your chance arrives
Through the soul-keeper's gate
Only one question you make:
The risk, shall you take?
Now, listen! And believe
In guidance for
A life's journey's sake.
Pictured below is Alicia and Dr. Joseph Biederman.
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